Bringing awareness around Domestic Assault Awareness Month, a Lunch and Learn webinar was held called “Your Relationship Matters and Ending Generational Violence” digging into healthy relationships. On Oct. 14, the webinar was hosted by Madelyn Hanson and Jennifer Flattery from Citizens Against Human Trafficking (CAST) and Hope for the Brave. The mission at CAST is to empower their community to end sexual exploitation through prevention, by raising awareness and education in our community.
Hanson has been working in the anti-exploitation movement now for about nine years. Being able to work in a lot of different positions, her goal was to understand the different angles of the cycles of abuse as much as possible and learn about the tools that predators use and who they’re targeting.
“The goal of today is for you to be able to identify your own relationships, your relationship skills and learn skills to get out of unhealthy relationships. But another part of the goal is this is one healthy example of how you could talk to middle schoolers or high schoolers,” Hanson said. “A lot of our goal is exploitation prevention and that usually starts with talking to the kids in our life. Hopefully equipping you with some language and ways that you can approach conversation with the kids who may come in and out of your life now and in the future.”
Partnered with a program called Power Over Predators, a national curriculum designed for trafficking prevention for sixth through 12th grade, Hanson presents one out of five modules about relationships.
“I am kind of here to poke at some cultural norms but I just want to clarify that I am not at all trying to tell anyone what to do. I’m just trying to provide a bigger picture of some of the realities of relationship dynamics and empower you to make whatever decisions you feel are best for you in your situation,” Hanson said.
Jennifer Flaherty is a leader in Hope for the Brave which seeks to end generational violence one person at a time. One way they do that is join CAST to provide others with tools and education to help them better their lives.
To those watching and listening online, Flaherty began telling her personal testimony of surviving domestic violence. She begins her story with being born to two 17-year-old generationally alcoholic parents on the east side of St. Paul. While her mother worked night jobs to provide, it ultimately left Flaherty and her sister home a lot. During the summer they would travel to their grandmother’s house in northern Minnesota and she describes the house as picturesque, with trees that lined the property and beautiful flowing streams. During those visits she shared that she was molested by her grandfather.
“Molestation breaks a kid in an unimaginable way that a lot of times people don’t understand unless its happened to them. For me, it robbed me of my self-esteem. It took away my ability to trust and it made me promiscuous at a young age,” Flaherty said. “Being promiscuous, this caused me to start having sex willingly by the age of 12. I say willingly, but really, you’re groomed in the abandonment that you feel and in the expectation that’s put on you by the person who’s hurting you. You’re groomed to think this is how you’re going to be accepted, for a loss of better words.”
When she was 14 she became pregnant and would soon meet what she called her favorite gift from God, her son David.
“It’s true that the people in your life have a huge influence on you so we have to always be asking ourselves, is their influence positive or negative? If you choose the wrong people, it could take you down a path that you didn’t actually want to be on,” Hanson said. “Your relationships matter. We’re not meant to go through this life alone, we all need people in our lives but we need people who have our backs, support our goals, encourage us and help keep us on track.”
When Hanson said relationships she meant all types of relationships: romantic, family, friends, etc.
In the Webinar she went over how to build healthy relationships, the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships and what to do if someone finds themselves in a toxic relationship.
“Did you know breakups are becoming a leading reason why young people are considering suicide? It’s really hard to recognize a toxic relationship when you don’t know the signs to look for but it is almost impossible to see the signs when you already have powerful feelings or feel like you’re in love with someone,” Hanson said.
One most important ingredient in building a healthy relationship is knowing that person. There are certain boundaries and types of intimacy people have with others. These boundaries or tiers change how people view and interact with each other. There are people they know very well, some are strangers, but there’s different types of intimacy. This includes not just physical but there’s also sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy and intellectual intimacy. To understand how to build a supportive relationship, one must understand how they develop as well.
“You have to decide what your boundaries are and what vulnerabilities you’re willing to share with somebody in order for them to move closer and closer to your inner circle.” Hanson said.
Demonstrating creating a personal inner and outer circle was done by creating a fictional five layered cake in addition to adding what characteristics they need to have in order to be in that tier. The bottom layer being the lowest level of intimacy, like being around a stranger. The second lowest layer would be someone a person considers an acquaintance. The third level is a moderate level of intimacy, like being around a casual friend. The fourth layer has a high level of intimacy, like a close friend. This is the group of people who they feel super comfortable with and they support each other’s goals and dreams. The fifth level is the highest level of intimacy in the relationship that takes the most time to develop and that is the ultimate friend. Some key characteristics from level five are a lifelong commitment, being committed to working out conflicts, appreciating each other’s differences and loving one another unconditionally.
“This is where there is unconditional love, a lifelong commitment, possibly marriage. It’s okay to be vulnerable with this person because there’s a really high level of trust. You can share your deepest fears and insecurities with them,” Hanson said. “But this relationship requires a lot of time and personal investment…but what happens if a relationship moves too fast? …Feelings can lie and blind you from seeing what’s really going on.”
Safe and supportive relationships take both time and maturity to develop. At this point in the webinar she encouraged audience members to think of someone in their life where they might need to evaluate their current level of relationship. Is it healthy? Have they earned the right to be at that level?
“Your relationship goals matter and should be protected. You deserve healthy, safe and supportive relationships so guard your heart… You don’t have to settle for a relationship that makes you feel worthless or afraid,” Hanson said. “The people who you choose to be in your life are either going to build you up or tear you down. So don’t settle for people who don’t have your best in mind… You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be loved without conditions. You deserve great relationships, and we are all priceless.”
