Hannah Jones/Winonan
Last week marked the calendar’s biggest day for romance, and once again, the great dating tussle blew through town like a tornado and left a trail of roses, stuffed animals and emotional debris in its wake.
Most people try to forge a deep connection with someone they love on Valentine’s Day. I, however, traditionally forge a deep connection sometime in the week following the holiday—with chocolate.
I was in one such a munching session, sending myself into a languid, ecstatic half-coma of sugar and caffeine, when the thought occurred to me that I did not feel any less fulfilled than those doting couples that spent their Valentine’s Day on the dating circuit looked.
I began to weigh the merits of collecting sweet nothings to collecting sweet morsels. I realized I didn’t know whether I would prefer a kiss from Leo DiCaprio or from Hershey. Convention would suggest otherwise, but after much deliberation, I maintain that chocolate has a few significant advantages over significant others. Here’s why:
1. Chocolate is always available.
Unlike boyfriends and girlfriends, chocolate is always on your schedule, and always ready when you want to indulge. It’s never self-absorbed, it’s never preoccupied and it never has an 8 a.m. class the next day.
2. You always know what you’re getting into.
Unlike that significant other, it is sure that chocolate’s personality—it’s innermost essence—comes with a label. You can’t as easily pick out a partner who is dark, or hot, or salty or nutty. Sadly, people don’t come with truth in packaging laws.
3. Chocolate will never argue with you about what to watch on Netflix.
“Six straight hours of ‘Downton Abbey’? I’m here for you, girl.”
4. Chocolate gets along perfectly with your friends.
They may not be your boyfriend’s biggest fans, but I guarantee your friends will never object to you bringing Mr. Goodbar on movie night.
5. Chocolate has nothing bad to say about how you look.
Something about fun-sized Snickers just seems to say: “Lady, those flannel pajama pants look great with your crew-neck sweatshirt and your un-showered hair. And what’s that scent you’re wearing? Sweat? I dig it.”
6. Chocolate will have no problem opening up and sharing what’s on the inside.
Chocolate can share its inner feelings with me any day.And I never have to hear them in the form of a country song.
7. Chocolate will never try to talk to you when you just want to read.
I suppose it’s nothing against chatty boyfriends and girlfriends, but this is my favorite part, and any and all interruptions will result in a swift Kindle to the face.
8. Chocolate will not get jealous.
If you start seeing several men at once, at least one of them might get a little needy. However, I’ve never seen Milky Way and Baby Ruth get all huffy when I say I like them both.
9. Chocolate is an excellent listener.
Never interrupts, never tries to steer the topic, never changes the subject. Could you ask for a sweeter conversationalist?
10. Chocolate makes infidelity more appealing.
When chocolate gets around, everyone wins. “You mean to tell me you had a three-way with graham cracker and marshmallow? Nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.”
Maybe some people will be planning date nights and late-night talking sessions and obligatory visits to parents’ houses with suitors, but frankly, I’m good right where I am.
So, after the manic couplings, de-couplings, flings and flops of Valentine’s Day, you know exactly where I’ll be: at Walmart, buying up all the discount candy hearts in sight.
…Then again, I am open to sharing.
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