Aries (March 21 to April 19)

Invest in like thirty boxes of tissues. You’re going to get a cold this week.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Taurus, you need to stop fighting people. Honestly, stop. You are not the captain of the fight club so stop.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Take the Friday we have off as a day to connect with those that you do not get to talk to often.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

You’re going to FLOURISH this week in every aspect of your life!

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)

Ever been left on read? It hurts, doesn’t it? Don’t leave others on read.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

It’s going to rain this week. Don’t let yourself drown like Jack did in Titanic. Push Rose off the door. Save yourself. She doesn’t matter.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

Let your caring and compassionate side come through. Be soft, like a cotton ball.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

Don’t form opinions on people you don’t yet know. It’s rude.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

This week your emotions are going to be like a chair with only three legs. Unstable.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

Stop letting life guide you and start taking the initiative. You’re not going to go anywhere by sitting in your bed all day.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

Think of your life like a game of Twister. It’s only fun when you’re drunk (but only once you’re 21).

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)

Stop being rude to people. Check yourself before you destroy every relationship you have.