Nathaniel Nelson / Winonan

After a completely crazy, unexpected and overwhelmingly bizarre week like this, one of the best things a person can do is sit back and watch a movie. Not only for the distraction, but also for lighthearted enjoyment and maybe a little bit of emotion. Netflix released its newest film “True Memoirs of an International Assassin” starring Kevin James (“Paul Blart Mall Cop,” “Pixels,” “Grown Ups 2”) this weekend, and after reading the script a few years back while it was on the Hollywood blacklist, I was hopeful that it might be something at least remotely entertaining. Well, even in a year where nothing seemingly can be predicted, there is one never-ending constant: The Happy Madison team is still terrible at making films.

The film starts off with a sequence that is surprisingly well thought out. Centering on a writer who, after making claims that he was assassin, is pulled into a multi-leveled assassination plot, the film’s opening shows it at its most creative and entertaining. With some tasteful juxtaposition of James’ character writing the novel and a recreation of his writing is a surprisingly effective way of kicking off the film. More than anything, this sequence is genuinely entertaining and relatively enjoyable. It does something that is actually different than other spy spoofs, and proves that with a better script and better production, this might’ve been something worth watching.

And that’s about the only positive thing I can say about the film.

“True Memoirs” is not a good film. It’s just not, and there’s no other way for me to say that. Now, I wouldn’t say it’s as bad as some other recent James vehicles, but that doesn’t make it good. The story lays the groundwork for something that could be entertaining, but everything else about the film is limp, lackluster and just completely uninspired. Tropes are abound, with James playing the same “funny fat guy” cliché that he does in every other film. Aside from one or two bright spots, even the side characters are uninspired, with the primary cast being overwhelmingly bland. Acting is typically a hit or miss kind of thing with comedies, but they have to at least be funny.

Here’s the thing: the reason I can’t say this film is an utter travesty is not because of what it does right, but because of what it does slightly less wrong than its contemporaries. Unlike other Happy Madison flicks like “Ridiculous 6” or “The Do-Over,” this time audiences aren’t constantly bombarded with racist, sexist and insensitive jokes. Instead, we just get humor that isn’t actually funny, which might actually be worse in some regards. At least with the insensitive jokes audiences have something to talk about, here all we get is a bunch of unmemorable nonsense. There might be one or two chuckles here and there, but I laughed more watching “The Martian” last year. “Memoirs” is not a good comedy, and ultimately it’s a complete and utter waste of time.

That’s probably the biggest thing about the film; it’s not that the film is shot terribly, or overly offensive, or even aggravatingly stupid. It’s just so boring. The jokes don’t land, the story plods along without any surprises or changes, and the whole production feels like something from a decade ago. In fact, if I had to describe this film in a sentence, it’d be simple: this is the kind of film you would have seen at 10 years old, feeling edgy that you can finally see a PG-13 comedy. There’s nothing new here, nothing thoughtful, and nothing of actual quality. “True Memoirs of an International Assassin” is a trash film through and through, and should be treated as such. Avoid it. 1/5

-By Nathaniel Nelson